Mama said there would be days like this!

My mom-what a great woman. You ever remember things your mom said. Silly things that will always stick out in your mind. Things you never thought you would say. Even things that make you crazy when your young. I got to thinking things that she said now make me laugh. I can remember telling her "I would never say that to my child"! My husband seems to believe in Nurture vs. Nature. Lately as I have gotten older and thinking I so could never do that I find my self doing that. I also laugh because it makes me think that when I have kids that I will in fact take on the same mannerism of my mom.

I can remember as far back as 4. My mom told me I was going to have a brother. I slept beside her every night til he was born. On August 12, 1988 , The day he was born, I remember my mom waking me up and taking me to this old lady's house from the church. We lived in New Boston, TX at the time. The closest good hospital was 30 mins away in Texarcana, TX. I dont think I slept a wink when they dropped me off. The next morning I was swooped away by the Great Buffy and Papaw. I was told by my mom I was going to be the first to hold him after my mom and dad. As we drove to the hospital I remember telling Buffy we had to stop and buy my brother a toy. As a four year old all I knew was I wanted to get him something. I thought he was going to need a play toy. As I talked the whole way to the hospital telling my grandparents that I was going to hold my brother. When we arrived at the hospital I quickly came to realize that my brother was sick sick sick. As I watched everyone but me hold him I became mad and Jealous. I mean come on the nurses got to hold him. Oh well two weeks later he came home. HOW FREAKING AWESOME!!! The day he came home I held him first. It was a joyous day in my life. It was my new begining I knew things would be different.

As my brother and I grew older we never actually fought like sbilings. We were more like friends. I dont know if it was because mom made us write bible verses if we did wrong or that she made us sit in a corner and sing The Barney Song til' we meant it. (no seriously... And I think I wrote Eph 6:1 like a million times) I can remeber telling her at times "I would never in my life make my child do this." She would just laugh and say never say never. I never once thought about it til' I tought afterschool daycare at Morrison Heights and I made my sweet not so sweet boys write bible verses and sing the barney song when fighting. At that moment I knew I had Eaten my words.

I also remember good things about my mom telling me one night that I was going to have to kiss one too many frogs before I found my prince. I can remember my first heart break and she told me that I would have many come and go. At the time I thought no one understood how I felt. But she would tell me of how many guys she dated and funny stuff that happened to her. It always made me feel better. She always knows how to make me feel awesome when I'm down. That is why she is my best friend. She will never let me down, lie to me, or even judge me when im wrong. She still says I talk to much, but im a cosmotologist, I talk for a living!

The Preachers kid

I have lived my life in the spot light. My dad being a minister I was alway expected to be at church whenever the doors were open. I was always being watched, judged, and always had the infamous statement oh your a ministers daughter. That is such the understatement of a lifetime. When I was younger it didnt bother me cause I didnt understand. (besides the fact that I was sheltered) As I got older this statement seemed to bother me alot. How do they know who I am. It is like they assume cause my dad is a minister that I am a bad person. In high school, I never went to parties, never really went out. But it wasnt until I started to date this guy that I honestly realized there was more out in the world than met the eye. I saw things that I never imagined and this scared me as well as the fact that I was tempted. I started to think of ways not to be tempted and how I could just move on and still stay close to God. I remember distinctly my brother shortly before he died telling me Jennifer he isnt good for you. He is making you think of things you will one day regret. I was well on my was to a break up just as soon as I got back from my trip to visit Coushatta, LA.(small as raymond people) As soon as I got to Shreveport I got lost. I had never driven that far without my parents and all I knew was my cell phone was on roam and I couldnt call salena b/c I didnt know where I was. I did the next best thing and called my daddy. Of course the one time I call he and my mom were not there. Michael answered the phone and for some reason he thought he knew how to get there. And surprise, surprise he did. (considering he was like 7 when we moved.) I remember getting mad at him, and 3 hours later he would no longer be with us. I got to Coushatta, LA and I just drove around because I loved it there and wanted to live there forever. I dove around for hours looking at my hold home, my old church, the library, and much much more. I missed it and seriously thought of coming back home as I called it. When I got the call my brother had died the only thing going through my head was omg i yelled at him, my best friend I yelled at him. And what we had talked about the night before. My only thought call casey and call the guy. blah blah blah... skipping some The thought never left me you dont need him you are better than that. But because he was there in my time of need, something I didnt think could happen it did, I stayed with him and fell into what people call "The Preachers Kid". Now before this time I could honestly say I'm only bad cause I play with the deacons kids (ahem JASON and BRETT), but after that time I had the title and still can't live it down. Now not only did I earn a title but I was changed, bitterness. What I thought was good for me was worldly and not as good for me as I thought but I wanted to live it my way. Like I said always in the spotlight. A lot like Jesus I was tempted but instead of doing as he did I fell into a trap. Deep in. my bitterness towards Michaels' death was my cause of acting out and falling away from the Lord. Now that I look back on it, If I had done as Jesus did while he was in the desert I would never have fallen into my "PK" status. I might have actually avoided the obvious. As much as I regret doing things, I feel as though I've learned from it. I am glad I am a "pk" because being a "pk" is awesome. I learned so much that has helped me. It helps to learn from my mistakes and I am now more prepared for what God has instore for me. I know now I can avoid the temptations no matter how hard they can be.

me and buggy

"Ces la vie" -That's Life

During the month of January I have noticed things changing. People are changing, the world is changing, the economy is changing, lots of things in this world are changing. When change happens to people it makes us more aware of just how precious life really can be. When Barak Obama was elected president I didn't know what to expect. You hear so much on the news and in church that you don't know what to think. It scared me a little cause I hear so much but know so little. The fact that he is different and not what we "the american people" is not something that we are accustomed to. It made me think that instead of worrying about the fact that something bad is going to happen because he is what people call "different" we should just put our trust in God that he knows what he is doing. I work in a Hair Salon so I talk with many different people a day with many different views. Some are scared, some are racist, some like the change, and some dont care. My personal opinion of it all is that as long as God is in control and we let him handle it I think we will all be a little worry free about it. The ecomony is down some now but maybe in a way it is God's way of telling us to slow down and think more of him than on our wants and needs. Since christmas I really feel that I have been tested in so many ways. It shows me that I as a person am changing. I got married in July, talk about change. You go your whole life depending on two people who will always be there for you and help you out to living with one person and not knows what the next day can hold for you. Its a big change! When we are children we always know that our parents are going to be there for us. Its a routine. But when you get married its not that they won't be there for you but you have to come to realization that the person you married will also be there for you. Change is hard, but change is good. I have been tested with the realization of marriage, but also realization with my intermediate family. When you get married you combine family's. Yes the two do become one in a sense but also you gain members. It can cause relationships to slip as well. I have a cousin Whom I love dearly, as a friend and family. (I do love all my cousins) But this one was one I depended on to lend an ear or a helping hand. She is my friend. But in recent weeks we ourselves have drifted so to say. As we drifted fights began, lies were spread, and things were said that shouldn't have been. I am not by any means saying that I am innocent, nor am I saying that She or I was wrong. But I realized that by all that happened I was not only losing the respect of my family but I was losing hers. I said things I regret, and I am sure she said things she regrets but its in the past now and I can't take those back. When I realized this I saw that I was not only hurting myself but her too. I have prayed about it, thought about it, and talked about it. The only thing that I can do is let God have it. He takes care of all our needs when we need him. He is our rock and our only friend we can ever trust. By me fighting with her, I saw that I myself needed to change. I am changing as a person. Somtimes changing as a person is a hard thing to do. There are many things I need to change about myself and I am now willing to let God handle it and help me change in ways that can only be for the better. Trust is something I am allowing him to take hold of. I have a hard time with it. I am always scared someone is going to leave me like my brother. Its hard. I think since he died I have held such a grudge against God and myself that I can't seem to let people in. I go on the defense. When I have something precious like my husband I just want to hold on to it and not share. I am now realizing that I need to have more trust in God and more trust in myself. I read a passage of scripture as singing the Beatles song in my head. Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. All my life I have rushed things, rushed life. And with the rushing I never stopped to change and make things better for myself. There is a time for everything, and if we all sit back and let God have control of it our lives might be much more peaceful. We won't have to worry what is going to happen, or what someone is doing we will just let it happen and know that God is in Control.