For some moments in life there are no words. In Memory to those we have lost and Michael Ryan Bufkin

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland~

This is true in situations dealing with death. You can never get over the pain or the thought of loosing a loved one, and no one can ever steal away that person memory from you. But what about the person who has actually lost someone in thier life. Wheather it be a mother, father, grandparent, or sibling. Whomever it maybe it is though no matter the age that one goes through it. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. No one ever wants any one to loose a loved one but I believe from personal experience that God would never put anything thing in your life that you could not handle.

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette
I found this quote online and it made me remeber how I felt after my brother passed. He was after all my best friend in the world. I remember being in Louisiana when it all happened. (my so called comfort zone) When I was told I went balistic turned over a coffee table, then screamed to the top of my lungs and 5 minutes later regained my composure and told Mrs. Long I needed to speak to my dad. When I called my dad, it seemed like a life time to get through to him. I mean I talked to like 5 people before him but when he answered the phone and I heard for the first time in my life my dad cry I knew I had to be strong. All he could say was "Jennifer, its my fault." I remember thinking then saying "Dad its all going to be all right I'll be home soon and I love you"
After the fact that my brother passed and all was said and done people seemed nicer to me and they seemed to want to help. I thought of this as a nice jester but I was still a little bitter by the situation. I would snap at people as if they didn't understand and from that moment on I shut down. I didn't care what people thought of me I didn't care what people thought of what I did nor how I acted. I wasn't aware that I was hurting people in the process like my parents much less thinking about what my brother would have thought of my actions. He would not liked who I would have become and that I had wasted my life away. I hadn't done much with my life and hadn't shown what a true christian I was nor what a good person my brother was or would have been. I had wasted years of being useless. From 2001-2009 I had wasted so much time thinking about how hurt I was that I hadn't thinking been thinking about others that were hurting or my self that was hurting as well. Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley I finally turned my fears, my problems, my sorrows, and my emotions over to God and I felt so much better about everything. There is a saying "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never to have loved at all". I am a firm believer in that. Had I had never known my brother then I would had never of known how wonderful of a person my brother was and how many people he had touched in so little time he lived. We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~From the television show The Wonder Years

The one thing that did bother me and still does to this day is that people seem to forget the legacy of peoples memory. To the families and some of the few they still seem to live on in our hearts. I have always wondered what happened to those who said they would be there when you needed them. Sure there are those you can talk to but it seems to me that when you try to talk to them they are either too busy or think you should have moved on by that time. Truth is when you loose someone in your life no matter whom it may be it hurts and you will never get over the loss of someone. When someone you know looses a loved one never forget that person will always be hurting and that they will always need your love and support regaurdless of the time that passes. It has been almost 9 years since Michael has passed and not a day goes by that I do not think about him or the fact that he will not be in my children's life. The fact that he did not see me walk down the isle at my wedding and sing Hakunnamatta at the end. He was a wonderful amazing person and I wish more people knew him. I wish I knew what he would have become in life. But I know his legacy lives on in me and through me. There are times that I need to talk and David doesn't know what to say. I need my friends who were there, his friends who knew him, and people who cared that I maybe blew off.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

With the death of some of my friends siblings I have tried to be thier for them and I intend to be there for them even after the fact that everyone has moved on with thier grief of losing thier friend. I know what it is like to lose a loved on so I was to encourage everyone to remember that it is hard to lose someone you love and the pain never ends. It stays with you like marriage, til death do you part. It is something you never forget and your friend who has lost a loved one; brother, sister, mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin... it will never be undone in thier mind. Please remember them daily. Be there for them and that they may be grieving for a while if they ever stop and need to have reassurance that you are there for them. Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. ~Jacques Prévert


Good-night! good-night! as we so oft have said
Beneath this roof at midnight, in the days
That are no more, and shall no more return.
Thou hast but taken up thy lamp and gone to bed;
I stay a little longer, as one stays
To cover up the embers that still burn.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Michael Ryan Bufkin
August 12, 1988 - August 3, 2001

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Am I just Tired or is life just tiring

I have been extremely tired lately. Don't know why just tired. I clean cook in my microwave and take care of my dog child nothing to out of the ordinary. I am just tired. I am just always feeling like I can take a nap. Its like when I wake up and I get done with my cleaning then I am ready for nap time. Then after naptime I want to get up clean more and then watch some tv and then go back to sleep around 8. Its like I am sleeping all the time. When I work I dont have this problem, but when I am not working its like yawn lets be lazy. Gah I need a kid to keep me awake. (the dog just sleeps beside me)

My hubbys in VAIL and I have baby fever what to do what to do!

Snow Skiing in Vail and I am stuck at home. So the hubbs goes to Vail and I am stuck here alone with the Maw in Law. Which isn't bad just means junk food and take out. got to love it. David starts school next weeks which we hope to be his second to last semester. YAY! I need a job but who can think about a job with BABY on the brain. I mean omg that is all I see on FACEBOOK. Its like 10 or more of my friends are preggers and its just like awe I want one too and I know its not time but I just want one. I guess I am just going to have to make do with the whole I have a dog child. (dont get me wrong I love my dog child) But I want to make something that is of me and David. I keep saying one more year one more year and I might cant have my wish. I just hope he can find a job after school and we can both move back to Jackson. I miss my friends and my family. Now hmmmmm if we can just get my parents back up to Jackson. Keep in prayers about me finding a job because I really need one and my last job is really making it hard on me to find another one cause I quit. And I had good intentions when I quit I just didn't think that they would make it hard on me to get another job. Anyways there is my soapbox for the week

Here Now Turkey day Christmas and global warming hmmmm sounds interesting

Wow its been a while so try to keep up...
Things have been quite a blurr. David has done well in school he is in fact almost done and thinking of taking the GRE to get his masters. The down fall we will have to move to Atlanta, GA to the Masters program a Georgia Tech.
Oh well should be an adventure. One more year from Jan. 19 to Dec. and we are outta the Hat. I Am still looking for a job (since Sept. might I add) and nothing seems to be working out. I am so ADD that I am not working out as a house wife. I tend to just be a tad bit to lazy. I miss cutting hair.
Thanksgiving was a treat David and spent the time with my parents and grandparents in gatlinburg. I have to say I havent been in about 4 years and I have missed it greatly. David enjoyed it so much. We were away from our Lola Belle and we did no enjoy that she has become our dog child so much that we consider her our baby. What is she going to do when we actually have one of our own. (which we are thinking about doing at the end of this year) (just a thought of trying)
Christmas was fun we spent the month on December in Jackson with family and friends which was amazing and tiring all at the same time. We love our family but we also love being alone because we have gotten so used to it over the time together.
It is also an amazing time of year here in Mississippi it is supposed to snow this week... I am thinking really really but hey if it snows it just once again proves that our theory on global warming is not true and scientist dont know it all. It did snow a little here on monday, not enough to stick but some and enough to where I could see it so there goes my faith in the global warming again.
Well until I feel the need to express feelings again be safe and bundle up its frigid!